Mourning someone who is still alive




















Just like when someone dies, you are likely to be overcome with sadness. However, the reminder of your sadness is constant every time you think of this person or hear about them. Connecting with other people who are experiencing the same kind of personal loss as you is an invaluable resource. This can come in the form of a support group or finding an individual to speak with. Having someone understand what it is like to be grieving someone alive will help to put your situation in perspective and help you to gain insight on the validity of your feelings.

When you are experiencing ambiguous or unconventional grief, it is easy to forget why and how you previously loved someone in the midst of their hurtful behavior.

Remind yourself of the good times that you had and why you originally loved them. It is okay to cherish old moments and mourn that they are gone. Remember that that person is still here though, just not at the moment.

As I said in a former blog, you might experience grief due to any variety of loss — the loss of a career, marriage or yes, a loved one.

His death is what propelled my life into a new trajectory — one in which I could help those also suffering. They are alive and well as far as I know , but have not spoken to me for some time. Understandably, their own grief over the death of their son manifested itself in different ways than my own, and they are no longer part of my life. About a year ago, their home phone was disconnected. A few months ago, when Hurricane Harvey struck Houston, I had no way to know whether they had been affected.

Periodically, I browse obituaries and have even called assisted living facilities to see if I can get an update on their lives. Why do I continue to put myself through this? Ida September 12, at pm. Really sad. My boy has been struggling three surgerys in one year after recovery from heroin for 8 years. Let him no meds would be needed for pain. That was my most fear of relapse. Yesterday my other son found him purple in his room overdose two narcam shots later did not help he was dieing and have no idea how long he had been without enough oxygen.

They had to insert ventilator. At least 4 times yesterday almost lost him. He has been so depressed for over a year even B4 his accident. After going to hospital they said something is not right. We need to find underlying illness. They were loosing him went into cardiac shock flew him by helicopter to better hospital in heart failure.

But still scared thinking he may never be himself again. Found out his heart half Is not working. Thank u for letting me vent rather then take it out on others that are just as broken down like myself. Y August 18, at pm Reply. So glad to have found this information. Just over two years ago, my daughter turned on me. It was quite sudden. Things got better for a few months, but then one day she called and started all over again.

Initially she let me speak to my only grandchild but that ended just over a year ago. We were very close. We spoke on the phone, via text message, or on video chat almost everyday sometimes more than once. I feel like an entirely different person. At times, the grief is overwhelming. I work to stay sane everyday through therapy, exercise, meditation and a variety of other methods.

Susan August 1, at pm Reply. My son and dil are divorcing. Dil has mental health issues and addictions. The sad thing is, she has shut my husband and me completely out of her life. Refuses to see us, blocked me on Facebook and my phone number. I thought of her as a daughter, we were friends. Now I am grieving my relationship with her, while she lives a few blocks away. Anna July 31, at am Reply. My Best friend of 21 years had a massive stroke in December and was in a coma for 11 days. I felt so helpless and lost.

She and I would text and call each other all the time. We used to be able to talk 3 to 5 hours on the phone. Now when we talk, which is maybe once a month, we only talk for maybe 2 to 3 minutes.

She is very much older than I am, as my Dad and her were engaged at one point. Needless to say, the engagement ended, but our friendship did not. I just really miss her. She knows who I am, but she gets me confused with other people too.

The main thing I miss the most is texting her almost every day about anything and everything and she would always respond with everything will be ok somehow, someway. The one person I really need to talk to about this situation is in this situation and I feel like no one understands this grief what so ever. Like yeah sure you understand. D July 18, at pm Reply. My mom recently suffered a massive stroke and I got to visit her for the first time today.

I want to be supportive and show her i love her but seeing her today broke something inside me I will never get back. The image of her I had in my mind has shattered to pieces, replaced by the image of a half paralyzed smile in a brief moment of lucidity. It hurts so badly. I never even got to say goodbye. We were just talking. My heart is broken. Sally June 30, at am Reply. Thank you for this post. After going through a difficult divorce with my partner of 20 years, I met someone who was the light of my life.

He made me so happy and I felt deeply loved. But, he suffered from paranoia which eventually shifted into delusions all of which were exacerbated by isolation in the pandemic Things became scary, and I had to get a restraining order and now I will never be able to talk with him again. He is alive, but most likely lost in a world of negative thoughts about me and suspicion about everyone in his life.

He refused to see a doctor. He will likely lose his job and apartment and has no support network. My friends and family all want to celebrate because he is out of my life, but I just feel such a loss. Elena June 30, at am Reply. My sister in law has been struggling with addiction for 10 years and recently we thought she was having a relapse as she was very erratic.

Finally here parents get her to the hospital for a wellness check. She had several drugs in her system we think she having symptoms and was self medicating. She has brain damage is from the brain infection and is currently receiving chemotherapy. Not sure what her chances are. That last few years she was doing better, and my kids love her. Her hair falling out. But her mom is bringing her home to take care of her she was not happy with the care home she fell and was there less than 2 weeks and we frequently visit them so my kids will see her inevitably but I want to prepare them.

They are 6 and 9 years old. They have never known her before drugs we have already explained to them that she is sick in her brain.. Krissie June 21, at am Reply. I am glad I came across this article because I never knew there was a name for this type of grief! We all have been through at least one life experience or at least know someone who has or is going through a difficult life situation! I will definitely be sharing this article with some of my friends who have a family member struggling with addiction, or has an adult daughter about to go to prison, or is going through a horrible break up!

I am currently grieving the death of two close friends and I am grieving over a close friend who has a deadly drug addiction and is not the same person he used to be, very destructive, and at the same time I am trying to comfort his sister who is my best friend and their mom who I am very close to. So thank you for explaining this and now I can research further into it! Carolyn June 20, at pm Reply.

My sister began to estrange herself from myself and her family and friends over a year ago. We believe her to be suffering from mental illness, She is currently homeless and we do not know where she is.

Any advice on how to move forward would be greatly appreciated. I feel like no one truly understands this type of grief. JulieS July 11, at am Reply. This is heartbreaking and I know exactly how you feel as my daughter has done the same.

She has mental illness too. Her siblings and I feel exactly as you do. We just take one day at a time and try to distract ourselves. We still think of her daily though. All we can do in a situation like this is keep on with our own lives and never give up hope. Just know that you are not alone. Sad June 14, at am Reply. This article is exactly how I feel about my ex-husband who struggles with addiction.

We tried moving forward after he was clean for 8 months but then relapsed and broke my heart. Many times he went back to drugs instead of being there for me and our family. I am crying because I feel he is dead to me. All thw hopes of a normal life is gone. No trust. Never knowing if today will be his day to relapse. I do not know what to do with my feelings. Thank you for article.

I am not alone. I do not expect him to help me with this feeling of despair as he takes one day at a time. This is very hard. I just want to be happy. I can only try to put things in perspective and give myself permission to grieve our loss. Joyce June 9, at pm Reply. My husband had a massive stroke 8 years ago. He was 58 years old.

He is alive but requires 24 hour care. I feel so alone. People tell me that well as least he is alive. But is he? But as time goes by I feel that I am getting more depressed.

How can I go on? Just saw this Joyce. Am in the same situation. Husband paralysed and mute from massive stroke. Am also alone with this nightmare. Wish we could talk. Jacque Allen May 12, at pm Reply. My husband one day went from always treating me like a queen never cussing at me never letting others see the holes in our relationship too constantly cussing me out and belittling me in front of people.

Debbie May 7, at pm Reply. I am truly grateful that I ran across this article. For 2 years 4 months and 9 days I have been going through this grief alone concerning my 25 year old son. He is my only child and I raised him by myself since birth. I am 64 years old and my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health has declined so rapidly that I am scared to be alone here with him. But I have d cider to put him on a bus back to our hometown in Virginia in 9 days for my sanity.

But reading this has lessened my pain just knowing that what I have been feeling and known for a while now is real and valid. So thank you. Chauntelle July 26, at am Reply. Debbie, both of my older children started showing signs of narcissistic personality disorder at 22 yrs old. It was mind blowing. Like invasion of the body snatchers. Dena September 8, at am. I understand this kind of grief, Chauntelle.

My year-old son has decided recently that he had a traumatic childhood and I am the reason. He has also claimed that I disrespect his partner and mother of my two precious granddaughter.

My husband and I both teachers and well educated raised both our children in a loving home, gave both children rich experiences of education, family vacations, travel, music, athletics.

We provided our son with a private school education, helped him buy a house, and have been loving, supportive grandparents. But, he has now claimed some horrible and untrue things about me. He has alienated his younger sister 28 who once idolized him. I am at a loss at this change in my son and realized today that I am going through a grieving process not unlike the one I experienced when my own mother died unexpectedly at the age of 56; I was only 32 and the mother of a new baby — my son.

I am feeling a deep sense of hopelessness and loss and am seeking a competent therapist to help me. Del April 26, at am Reply. I never knew it had a name.

Thank you so much. I feel like a part of me has died. And, being an addict high functioning in recovery the depression and emptiness has led me to relapse over and over. I told my husband that I had been using. This was 3 months ago. We have rarely spoken of it since and when we do it is because I bring it up.

I ask him does he think if we just ignore it it will go away? And while he is shut down on silent mode I am slowly spirally down into a place i fought so hard to get out of. I have no one to talk to about it. And the one person I do feel comfortable and secure enough with to open up to is just standing by silently as I destroy us both. But I am saying that I welcome an end to it by any means at this point.

Jarred Vanalstyne April 24, at am Reply. This design is spectacular! You most certainly know how to keep a reader entertained. Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my own blog well, almost…HaHa! Wonderful job. I really loved what you had to say, and more than that, how you presented it. Too cool! My mother and my step-dad have been emotionally distant and abusive since I was young and they treated my brother like he is their world and here I am on the sideline been used as the butt of jokes and a servant.

Instead of supporting me they would punish me and yell at me. I am grieving the fact I will never have a loving family and I am just a stranger in my own childhood house.

I feel like I am just being judged all of the time by my own mother. Alison April 9, at pm Reply. I felt ambiguous grief when my partner went to prison. I am not saying it was the same experience as others have, but I would wake at night from crying. I am grateful he is back safely.

Brandy March 14, at pm Reply. He was hit and left for dead on the side of the road and I did not find out until a week later good night took him to the ICU he was dead on scene they resuscitated him. He did not recognize me but yet when I brushed his hand he looked at me and said they left the window open too long the demon is inside me please help me.

Cat March 28, at pm Reply. The thing he said that sounds so strange and worrying, it sounds similar to the types of things I heard from a friend of mine when she had a brain infection before they got the diagnosis, talking about God punishing her, the devil etc. She is not usually religious but was raised Catholic. The brain is inflamed, distorting how these people think and often it sounds doom and gloom because they are in survival mode.

Fight or flight, and by some miracle they have been able to tell us something is not right at the moment. My friend made a full recovery. Try to keep faith, give yourself time to accept that this relationship is changed forever now one way or another. Anita Morgan March 1, at am Reply. Knowing she is dieing is bad enough but not being able to be with her is even worse. Its making me ill worrying about all of this. I so feel for you Anita.

It is hell to hear your person telling you they want to die. My spouse does that at times- he has been paralysed from a stroke for ten years. I have no answer but just want you to know i understand and also has so many health probs from the stress of their pain.. People tell you to take care of yourself etc but nothing really helps because you are consumed with worry.

Hugs to you xx. Rebecca February 26, at am Reply. I have been struggling with this. Therapy is helping. Thank you for putting a name on what I am feeling. I have lived through the death of loved ones — this is a whole different kind of grief and it is validating at least to see it discussed. Thank you again. Moana July 2, at am Reply. Thank you. Farrukh Saleem February 16, at pm Reply. She is psychic patient of anxiety geting medicines recommended by doctor.

Please guide to coup this. Waiting for response Regards Farrukh Saleem. Isabelle Siegel February 17, at pm Reply. I wish I could offer some advice to magically take your pain away and help you cope. Unfortunately, sometimes coping is actually just allowing yourself to sit with painful emotions. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone. All the best to you and your children.

Animallover February 15, at am Reply. I rescued this kitten, mended her wounds for almost two months and she got back to her normal ways, so I returned her to the owner. Unfortunately, I am without luck.

I hope somebody else is getting what I am feeling. Thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your story. I hope she is found soon! Shirley January 9, at am Reply. My ambiguous grief is my always loving, kind daughter that is no estranged due to my SIL her gatekeeper. She was given an ultimatum by her husband and made her choice.

All of the family members and friends outs and hers are in shock and disbelief. She has cut off contact with all family members and friends. The in-laws were told by their son to not get involved. To think someone can control or gaslight your intelligent child is beyond belief. So since May of I have sent no email or call or text. Prior to that when it started in June of we sent amends letters which honestly were for things that were to appease them to Both of them. Sent I love you and miss you unconditionally voice mails and texts.

Her phone contract was up in May and since we owned her number it gave SIL even more control to change her number with a new plan. Topics on this and support groups would be helpful.

Thank you from two loving heartbroken parents of an estranged adult child by SIL. I feel for you. My daughter has done the same thing. She has cut her whole family out.

We are heartbroken too. Her husband has encouraged her to block her family. I really feel for you. I hope and pray your daughter will come to her senses soon. Julie December 25, at am Reply. Another family gathering. One of my boys have a mental health issue. Anxiety comes alongside this without gatherings. A couple of drinks to mask this for him turns into more which makes it difficult for him to keep his delusional thoughts under control.

The day ends with issues. I want the boy back that trusted me had unconditional love. I miss the days when our gatherings were carefree and full of fun n love. IsabelleS December 28, at pm Reply. I hope this article has communicated to you that, no matter what anyone else says, you are fully entitled to grieve the loss of who your son used to be.

Does your son have any desire to seek help? All the best to you. Linda January 7, at am. I recently have experienced a loss of my husband that is still here.

There are arms to hold you and prop you up as you grieve. When you lose someone who still lives to addiction, an internal battle plays out. Your pain is real, but it may be minimized, hidden or ignored — after all, your person is alive. However, your loved one is not who they once were and neither are you. When your addicted loved one disappears from your life or when they are too impaired to be effective, you live with a broken heart.

What could have been, is always on your mind and you wonder if their addiction is your fault. Did you do something wrong? Could you have tried harder? Overwhelming grief occurs every time you think about them, which is most of the time. Grieving the loss of someone who still lives is like riding a roller coaster. It hurts when you realize you are not as important to someone as you thought you were. The sadness can be all-consuming and will come in waves. Feel the sadness. That voice is trying to take you away from your feelings, but sadness is a healthy emotion.

Allow yourself to grieve.



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